After writing “First loves and Lost loves” I just felt in my heart I had to start writing letters. To my future husband.
Yea, I cringed a little when God told me that. It’s super sappy, very cheesy and apparently romantic. I’m not exactly one of them. I’m a hopeless romantic but not romantic. Instead I’m blunt, sarcastic and the thought of romance makes me incredibly awkward and embarrassed. I am fully aware that insecurity is tied to these tendecies. Because confident, self assured people love to be romanced because they know their worth. (Getting Revelations here while I’m writing this thing. Dang. The reason I hate attention from men and being romanced is cause I don’t know my full identity in Christ yet). Drops the mic. Suddenly everything makes sense. Thank you, Jesus.
A thought that was not my own, came to mind.
“Write these letters to me. Tell me how much you love and adore me. I am the groom and you are the bride. Tell me what’s in your heart.”
As if that would make it any easier. For most of my life I could not accept the fact that God loved me. I just could not accept it. I’ve only recently (a couple months ago) really came to terms with how much He loves and values me. And allowed and accepted His love for me. Because as that one book says, “We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Now I need to write love letters to my future husband with my Creator in mind. Well, this is stretching on a whole new level. I thought standing in faith for $30K for Bible School was stretching. My goodness does God like pushing me out of my comfort zone. Trying to break these walls around my heart, keeping me sheltered from people. Keeping me sheltered from Him.
Self-preservation is a defence mechanism. You can be so used to people hurting you, you start hiding yourself. You build walls around your heart, and take the quote, “Guard your heart” completely out of context. Instead of running to Jesus with your pain and wounds, you run away from Him. You push Him away and hide from Him. Because you don’t want Him to see you at your weakest. You don’t want Him to see your heart naked, broken and bleeding. You want to protect yourself because a lie is being whispered into your ear by the devil. “People have hurt me. What if God does the same?” So you keep Him at arms length and don’t allow Him to come close to you. Your Creator. Your First Love. The one who has seen you at your worst and still loved you. The one who saw you at your best and still kept loving you.
Identity. It all stems to identity. Adam and Eve hid themselves because suddenly they didn’t know who they were anymore. They were embarrassed and hid from God. They didn’t want God to see their vulnerability. And we don’t want God to see it either.
Love requires vulnerability. It demands it. Because without vulnerability, walls are bit. How arrogant of us, to try and heal our hearts on our own.
I’ve never been one for vulnerability. Not with friends, family, relationships…or with God. It’s changing quickly. It has slowly leaked into my writing as God has pushed me with his outrageous, furious love to break down the walls around my heart. And now, he’s drawing me closer, revealing to me His heart, and asking for mine. My bandaged, stitched, beating heart which He wants to restore to complete perfection.
But first, some walls need to come down. And Jesus being Jesus, He will never force you to break down those walls. God doesn’t force Himself on people. Instead He draws you closer with His love, until you decide to break down the walls with His power and love.
Love and Blessings