First loves and Lost loves

I fell in love once. It was many years ago. It was a couple months after my seventeeth birthday when I met him. He became my best friend. There was attraction at first for both of us, but we played it off and said it was silly. So we basically friendzoned each other. He was handsome and charming and successful. And the girls loved him. He was complicated, and mysterious and confusing.

I started looking differently at him, about a year later, when I realized I hated seeing him with all of these girls. He always came to me, telling me about the new girl he was with and I had to smile and pretend everything was fine. Because he was bad for me. He was bad in relationships. He was bad when it came to commitment. But he was an amazing person, with a big heart and he was a good friend. My best friend. We always tend to fall for the one’s who we know will hurt us the most.

Something eventually happened between us. I don’t know if it was the way we looked at each other, or the the way he held me when I fell asleep in his arms on the couch, but something happened and all those feelings resurfaced for a man who was never mine to begin with.

I fell for him. Hard. I shouldn’t have. All the warning signs were there. I saw it and ignored it. People told me to be careful. I knew I should be careful. But this was my best friend. He wouldn’t treat me like all his other flings and one night stands, would he? 

Yes. Yes, he would.

Later I found out I was a mere distraction. Entertainment if you want to call it that. I don’t know. He told me he was dating someone else. That I should have known better. That I was seeing things. Pretending there was something, when there wasn’t…and that’s the story of the first man I loved and the first man I lost.

He was my first love and my first heartbreak. After him, I got involved with a couple of guys. But you tend to always remember the person who made you feel unqualified and inadequate. Until you start to learn your identity in Christ…then you start to forget. You start to forget feeling replaceable and worthless. You start forgetting how used you felt. How you were only an option while he was your priority. You forget about how much hurt you endured, not only losing him as the person you fell in love with, but also losing a friend. You forget about it, because all that hurt is replaced with something else. 

The love of Jesus Christ.

Sometimes men come into your life and they treat you like a mere casualty. An option. A distraction. Or entertainment for the time being. Some men hold you. Some whisper sweet things in your ears. Others make you feel special. And some, some men touch you when you don’t want to be touched. They kiss you when you don’t want to be kissed.

God takes all of that away. And He replaces it with His love, and His grace. I have many stories, but they’re not worth repeating. Because God removed those stories out of my life. For long, I wasn’t able to trust Him, because I couldn’t trust men. But HE showed me His heart. He showed me who He is. He showed me His true intentions. He romanced me. Loved me. Held me. And He called me His. 

When I read the Bible, He declares how much I mean to Him. Letters upon letters of how special I am. How much He adores me. How much He loves me. 

And so with time, I have come to fall in love once again. Harder this time. More passionately. But this time I have come to fall in love with the One who Loved Me First. I fell in love with Christ. I fell in love with the Groom. He called me His bride. He said He is mine. And I am His. 

And for the first time in my life, I truly felt loved. 

Love and Blessings

Milanie xx


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